I hate all girls vehemently.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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