it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
