Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Randomize
