once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
