I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
