her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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