Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
