and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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