It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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