He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
