i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
