the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
