You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
