I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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