I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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