please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
