You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
