OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
