the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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