this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
