So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
