I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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