he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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