I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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