Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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