i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
