I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
