Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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