you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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