i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
