Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
