I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I faked an abortion last night.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
