She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
whose parrot is this?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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