hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
