my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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