Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
