So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
