I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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