I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
