i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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