Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
