Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
