he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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