Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
