so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
