I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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