I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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