I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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