I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
