I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
