Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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