How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
