Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
