so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I stole a fireplace last night.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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