our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
