Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
