Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
