Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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