I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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