Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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