I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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